In 1995, Syracuse won the NCAA men’s lacrosse national championship, gas cost $1.35 per gallon, and Kevin Smith released Mallrats, which, for my money, is far and away his best film.
What does any of this have to do with this week’s MLL “power rankings” (read that like Dr. Evil would say “laser”) you might ask? Well, MLL is an “any given Sunday” or whatever day of the week the game is played on type of league. Any team can beat any other team at any time. Since we’re dealing with a fluid continuum here and not a hierarchical structure let’s deviate a bit from the norm.
If MLL teams were characters from Mallrats, which ones would they be?
New York Lizards = Weapon X Jay
This offense is basically a prolonged berserker attack. When they are able to move the ball they’re pretty much unstoppable. In the grand scheme of things Drew Adams isn’t getting as much love at the O and Beast’s faceoff domination, but he’s a model of consistency on the back end.
Rochester Rattlers = Gwen
Gwen is the chick that is hot and knows it. She doesn’t care that Silent Bob busts in on her in the changing room and says screw it, I’m trying clothes on in the middle of the store. The combination of hotness and devil may care attitude correlate nicely to the Rattlers right now. This team is heating up. If Jordan Wolf can stay out of the crease they might even up their average goals per game by a few. Mark Cockerton’s whirlwind goal in the first against Boston is pretty much this team in a nutshell right now.
Chesapeake Bayhawks = Silent Bob
There doesn’t seem to be any panic in Chesapeake. They know what they do well and don’t feel the need to brag about it. Faceoffs continue to be an issue, but as long as they don’t give up a fast break opportunity the ‘Hawks seem fine with it, at least to a certain degree. Tyler Fiorito kept them in the game against New York last week; he had eleven saves in the first half. Chesapeake doesn’t make a lot of noise, but that’s just because they’re studying the other team’s blueprints to find their Death Star weakness.
Denver Outlaws = Brody
Brody is simultaneously laidback and self-confident. Now that the band is back together in Denver, this is the vibe the Outlaws are giving off. Need proof? Their monster first half against Florida was about as great of a half of lacrosse as I’ve seen this MLL season. Brody knows that Hartford beats Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime, and with two cracks at New York still on the schedule, will a coalescing Denver be the team to serve up New York’s first defeat of the season? Just be careful shaking Brody’s hand after the game.
Boston = Brandi Svenning
Caught between expectations and reality, Brandi tries to please everyone and creates a debacle in the process. Sound familiar? Expectations at the beginning of the season were pretty low for the re-tooled Cannons, but when they punched defending champs Denver in the mouth week 1 those expectations took a major leap. Since then things seem to have corrected toward pre-season levels of concern. The Cannons have managed two late game rallies this season. Last week’s against Rochester included seven goals in the fourth and ended better than their last OT game. Only when things totally fall apart does Boston seem to be able to do what they need to do to get the job done. The lack of consistency means that sometimes when Jaws pops out of the water they say yes, and other times they get eaten.
Florida Launch = Willam
The frustration with this team is almost palpable. They’ve already yelled at a few elementary school kids about the differences between schooners and sailboats, but that doesn’t seem to have helped. They’re so close and focused that the lack of wins is boiling over and they’re about ready to start kicking the Magic Eye picture, if they haven’t already. Luckily, reinforcements are on the way shortly and the chances of the Launch collectively seeing the sailboat are looking very good.
Ohio Machine = Ms. Ivannah
There’s something mysterious and sexy about Ohio, namely that they have the ability to score tons of goals, having proven that last year, but the mystery is where that ability has gone in 2015. The Machine are stuck in the Dirt Mall trying to get a clear vision of what’s to come. Luckily, Ohio is starting to find the right gear instead of grinding it. Expect them to be bashing mall rat punks like La Fours in the near future.
Charlotte Hounds = Gill
Gill was the cocky third contestant on Truth or Date. Gill thought he was smooth, but was quickly pushed aside by T.S. and Brody. Charlotte has so many weapons but the disappearance of Justin Ward has been a death knell for the Hounds. When your offensive catalyst is more Verbal Kint than Keyser Soze, to borrow a reference from yet another movie, it would be foolish to expect things to go well.
